this entry was written due to the chat with jules a few nights ago... she told me about her past medical history and then her visits to the specialists.... then i think it in my case... my past visit to the hospital... i was really so scare myself...

(i think i been too lost-show-influenced... like writing flashbacks.... )

to the sgh... somewhere 2 years back... when the unusual pains occured.... when i was digonse in hougang polyclinic about my conditions.... like bounary line case...

supposed to go for ultrasound, check for any kidney disfunction... blood test to see if there were non conformity inside my blood, flowing around.... a 24 hour urine test... to see if kidney is producing abnormal subtances that a normal human will produce....

the 24 hours test is not for fun... and the test i hated the most.... dun ask why... dun think u will want to know also.....

i think still got more... like poke the needle into your finger check ur blood sugar... blood pressure checks....

at first when i go... i dun expect so many things... the 24hour urine test i done at polyclinic before... but in sgh u need to redo everything.... coz the records are not transferable...

firstly the mood when i go there is like happy go lucky... dun think much... thinking all should be over soon....

but i saw the sick and death face on the patients there... that old man with the tube insert to his nose.... sitting on the wheelchair beside me.... around me, people with stone eyes looking in front of them.... like starng into space... me too... i began staring to space began to think....

i was freak... although i used to be a medic... but then i still scare of the place call hospital... i cannot imagine myself there... resting on bed and become a patient to let the docs and nurses do things on me...

I waited for my turn to see doc, she told me nothing much, perhaps here high there high but overall still ok... blah blah... i recommend to this specialist at the clinic next door.... blah blah blah....

i went there a few times then never go. i will not want to go there ever again... throw away the appointment cards... think i got 3 of them?

i so lonely there... nope i din tell my family that i went... perhaps only a few of my friends knows... but i dun wan anyone to see the fear i got in my face... scary... although i am a man... but which man dun fear death?

i wonder how many hoon ki i smoke when i am out of the compund....

haiz....

will i die there?

Can i have a hoon ki before i die? i envy contantine... he still can smoke before the satan wanna take his life....

*****

face of death is scary, and please do treasure ur life.....