I really need some advice on this matter because I'm collapsing emotionally and I'm heavily affected by it.

Recently, I went clubbing with my bf of 1.5 years, and his group of guy friends. It was an occasion to celebrate the birthday of one of his good friends, X. I drank quite a bit that night since my bf was with me and in the end, I wasn't too sure how I became so drunk. My bf then drove me to a hotel, something which we have done for a couple of times to have some intimate moments together, including sex.

I woke up in the morning with a bad headache. I have vague memories of myself enjoying the love-making during the night. I found myself totally naked and my bf was not in the room. It's strange because usually I will have difficulty waking him up. Then the horror started.

As I was about to go for a shower, I found a watch on the bedside table that doesn't belong to my bf. It seems to belong to X but I was not sure then. Scary thoughts began to flash in my mind while I tried to tell myself that I am imagining things. So I hurried to the washroom. When I look myself in the mirror, I noticed numerous lovebites on my breasts, near my vagina and my inner thigh. This is something which my bf has never done before. It was then at this moment when my bf came into the room. I confronted him and he said he woke up early and went for breakfast. When I asked him about the lovebites, he said that he drank a lot the previous night and must have been too high and passionate. Then I asked him about the watch and he said that X left it with him the night before.

There was no point in arguing because whatever I questioned, he had a reason for it. Now back in my own room, my mind started to run wild again. I tried to make my own analysis and the result is so horrifying. X is my bf's good friend of 10 years. It was his birthday that night. My bf owes X a few thousand dollars due to soccer betting. And X did express his liking for me before my bf and I became an item.

Now I feel so dirty and cheap. I can't believe I could actually have enjoyed having sex with X, moaning and having his semen inside me. The thought of him seeing and touching my whole body. The thought that I might have contracted some sexual disease from him. Oh goodness, what I have I done wrong? I can't report this to the police because I love my bf very much. And if my accusation is wrong, I will surely lose him. And worst of all, I have no evidence.

Should I just forget about the whole incident and tell myself that the person who I had sex with is my bf? But at the same time, I have this hunch that the person is X. I hate myself and I think I am going crazy.

Dear all, thank you so much for all your comforting words and advice. They mean so much to me.

Powder, I tried to ask my bf again and we ended up quarreling. He is now blaming me for not trusting him. He claimed that he felt so insulted. I told him I am just very worried and scared, and asked for his understanding. But it seems that there is an invisible gap between us now. I have not met X since this incident 2 weeks ago, and I don't think I will have the courage to meet him alone. There is a group outing this weekend and there might be a chance that X will be there. I don't know if I should turn up.

Yuletide, what you have mentioned does make sense. But given the kind of situation that morning, a normal girl like me will choose to give my bf the benefit of the doubt. Without any concrete evidence, I really don't know how I can cry rape. I can only choose to believe someone who I love not just for a few months, but for 1.5 year.

Cecilia, I've not been intimate with my bf since this incident. But it could be due to our ongoing arguments because of my accusation. Perhaps I should heed Yuletide's advice and turn up for the outing to observe X's behavior towards me.

I feel that I am such a weakling. I am always so paranoid now. Now, I am very worried if X was really the one, did he take any photo or video of me? If he really did, I would rather die than to see the humiliating video/photos of me enjoying sex with him! The only consolation is that the likelihood of pregnancy is low because it took place just after I had my menses.

Powder, your words of comfort helped to soothe my nerves. Thanks again.

As Cecilia has correctly pointed out, this incident happened 2 weeks ago. i was very lost and depressed during this 2 weeks. Fortunately, I have all of you in this forum. Also, like what Selsel has said, I too feel that I can't take any legal actions now. But i still hope to know the truth, which I can only find out myself.

Cecilia, you might just be right. My bf has been quite cold to me these days. Only exception was last night when he came to my house, and asked me to relieve his needs for him. No sex though. He did touch me, but I feel that his touches are so different now. I don't know if this is due to our quarrels, or is it due to what you have guessed.

I'm still feeling terrible. I'm in the sales line and I found it hard to concentrate on my work. I've taken 4 days of leaves in the past 2 weeks. It's affecting my work now. In case anyone thinks that I am a naive teenager, I'm 24 this year. Perhaps I am really naive and trusted him too much.

I decided to go for the outing tomorrow night. I will gather all my courage and hope that X will be there too.

To those who defended me against opiniom chil, i thank you from the bottom of my heart. his/her words are indeed hurting. I am not a loose girl and in my heart, i see my bf as my FH. But i can't rid the feeling that I am dirty now.

For those who have been showering me with their concerns and advice, i'm sorry for the late reply. Been through quite a bit from last Sat till now.

We went to one of the clubs last Sat. X was there. My bf's behavior was very calm. I was hoping what Cecilia has said will come true, that I was too sensitive and my bf is innocent all along. at one moment, X, another guy, two other girl friends and I were seated at the table. I don't know where my bf disappeared to. one of the girls teased X, asking him when he is settling down. Then, what X replied sent a shiver down my spine. He said something like he is still young and still want to play around. Also, he wants to find a gf who has a figure like me. And the way he looked at me...I will never forget that lusty look.

Shortly after that, X came to sit beside me. He was extremely frendly towards me, asking me how is the r/s between my bf and I. He said that my bf "complained" to him that we are always quarreling. I must have been very lost at that point, not knowing how to react. Then X put one hand over my shoulder and the other on my thigh and asked me not to be too sad. He said we are all good friends and I can confide in him. I was frozen for like 10 seconds until I thought i felt his hand on my thigh moving (i'm not too sure). I sort of freaked out and immediately ran out of the club.

I called my bf to meet me immediately. when he came to where i was standing, I told him what happened while my eyes started tearing. Then, my bf just sounded irritated and told me that X is just concerned over our r/s. I asked my bf that I am his woman, and he doesn't feel a thing?? He said I am too petty, oversensitive and should apologize to X. He also said that he can't stand me these days.

My heart was wrenched. It hurt so much and it still does. I told my bf that since he is in such agony being with me, we should break up. He just said “Ok then” and walked off.

I was so shocked but I told myself I must be strong. Flagged down a cab and went back home straightaway. When I reached home, my tears burst out and I just lay on my bed motionlessly. My heart was so painful because I know my doubts are most likely confirmed. X will never behave like that towards me after my bf and I became an item. The words he said, the facial expressions he made, his outrageous gestures towards me.....I wish I could still tell myself it wasn’t him that night. And the person whom I love so dearly has betrayed and abandoned me.

On Sunday, one of the ladies who were with us the previous night called me. She asked me if I’m two-timing my bf and X at the same time. She noticed X behaving quite intimately with me that night and X even slipped his hand under my skirt while chatting with me. I couldn’t bring myself to confide everything in her and merely told her that X is interested in me, but I can’t reciprocate my feelings.

X called me thrice on Mon. But I did not answer his calls.

I tried to live normally again and went to work on Mon and Tue. But I really can’t take it anymore and took leave yesterday and today. I seem to have lost myself. I really feel so cheap and dirty. I know I will have the comfort and consolation from all of you here and I really appreciate it. But perhaps no one can truly understand how I feel now. I will live on….but I feel that I am not myself anymore. I feel so numb.